Jake's Speech

"Hello, voters. I am Jake LaRoche and I am running for president. As a Republican, I am here to present you with my beliefs on  immigration, the death penalty, and individual rights of the everyday citizen.

So, to begin with, raise your hand if you are an everyday citizen. Good. Now raise your hand if you like being free from an oppressive government. Good. So you like individual rights. If you vote for me I can guarantee you your individual rights will be protected.

   Next-I wanna bend your ear about the death penalty. For those that don't know, the death penalty is that basically in the event that someone kills another human, we give them fair trial and if they are convicted, then kill the murderer. This is a good system because it keeps murderers off the street perpetually. But we must change it to keep everybody safe. Rapists and terrorists should because executed as well.

   Now, please let me explain the immigration situation. We are a big country. We can obviously physically fit a whole lot more people in the US. But economically and financially, we don't need more people. You can argue that they pay their taxes and don't all steal. But I counter that point with the fact that even with all the jobs created in the US recently, not all real Americans are employed. And that isn't all because of illegal immigrants, but if we build an immense wall, put sharks with fricken laser beams on guard, and release attack miles to prevent illegals from digging into our country.

  As the most important people in our country, you, the voters, you can elect me to change our country for the better. Do you want a great country? Then you should vote for me." --Jake "The Rock" LaRoche, 2018